Happy Halloween

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Belle, our 3-year-old labradoodle, is ready for Halloween.  I did buy a huge bowl of candy, but just realized half of the candy is missing!  I made the mistake of opening the bags.  One piece then led to another….and another…..and another.  Wonder who ate the candy…….?  I will be making a quick trip to the store again for candy.  And this time, I am going to hide it from my family.

Halloween can be fun for kids, but it also a time when you should have a safety talk- especially if this is your child’s first time trick-or-treating.  I have listed a few websites with safety tips for kids and pets.  We have a sweet, but very naughty dog who loves to get into things.  Remember to keep candy out of your pet’s reach.  Chocolate can be toxic to pets.  Recently, I left a plate with my son’s lunch on the counter.   Way out of Belle’s reach.  She must have superpowers because the plate was on the ground when I walked into the kitchen.  She ate everything- a healthy carrot remained!  She was hiding under our dining room table.  Looking VERY guilty!

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A few SAFETY SUGGESTIONS I liked from the websites:

  • Try adding reflective tape to costumes and candy bags.  This will help you to keep track of your children, especially when they get into a group with other kids.  Additionally, it will allow drivers to see your children when they cross the street.

  • For pets- remember outfits can get twisted on external objects on your pet, leading to injury.  I learned this lesson last year.  Belle was wearing a shirt that became caught on my fireplace screen.  She panicked, dragging the heavy, metal screen with her.  If she wears any clothing, it is only for a few minutes now.

  • Spooked pets can get lost.  Belle will be spending time in her crate during trick-or-treating.  She acts crazy every time someone knocks on the door.  I don’t want our night to end up with our family searching the area for our lost dog.

http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/publications/NC89.pdf

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/firstaid_safe/home/halloween.html

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/halloween-safety-tips

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10 Summer Safety Tips for Kids

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The trouble is…well, it’s like this barrel of apples. 

There’s an old saying that goes, “There’ll always be a couple of bad apples in every barrel.”

That’s the way it is with strangers.  Cubs have to be careful because of a few bad apples.

“Look!” said Sister.  “I found one!  It’s all bumpy and has a funny shape!”

“Well, it certainly is strange looking,” said Mama. 

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad.  You can’t always tell

from the outside which are the bad apples.” She cut it in half. 

“See?” she said. “It’s fine inside.”

“Now here’s one that looks fine on the outside…but inside, it’s all wormy.”

-The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers by Stan & Jan Berenstain

Hot days at the pool and beach. I love summer!  Days of not rushing to this activity and the next. Summer is also a time that you should be having  “safety talks” with your kids.  These talks should begin at an early age, changing your language according to their developmental level.

IMG_4404_2Belle, our three-year-old Labradoodle, is ready for the hot weather!

I promise, she honestly enjoys to dress up.  (Well, most of the time!)

10 Summer Safety Tips to Discuss with Kids

1. With younger ages, reinforce that they should stay near you in public places.  I reminded this to my son when we went into a store the other day.  I told him, “Remember there might be some wormy apples in there!”  (He’s listened to me read the Berenstain Bears book about strangers over and over again!)

2. Discuss WHO they can tell if a separation would occur. 

3. Teach your children your cell phone number.  If you have a younger child, write the number on a small sticker label.  Place the sticker on the child’s shirt.

4. Take a picture of your child before you go into an amusement park.  This will be helpful if your child does become separated from you. You will be in a panic state and might not be able to quickly recall your child’s hairstyle/ clothing colors.   Flashback to when my daughter was 4-years-old at Great Wolf Lodge during a story time in a crowded lobby.  I just blinked and she was gone.  Fifteen minutes felt like an eternity.  It’s shocking that the stress I experienced in that short amount of time didn’t cause my body to go into labor.  I’m still surprised that other people didn’t help a pregnant woman.  Just stared at me while I frantically looked for my lost child.  (Who suddenly appeared in her spot again when the show began!)

5. Role play situations.  Take turns playing both roles- the stranger and the child.  Here is one scenario.  The child is playing outside with a few friends.  A kind man drives by, stopping in front of the house.  He gets out of the car while waving a paper for the kids to see.  The kind man yells that his little dog is lost.  He asks if someone would drive around with him to find his lost puppy. (I have used this scenario with younger kids.  There is usually one child who says it’s okay to help the man!)

6. Go bananas!  Teach your child to “go crazy” if a person would ever try to take him/her.  “Going bananas” means to kick, scream, bite, fall to the ground.

7. Swim with a friend/adult.  As a child, I loved to swim.  I even tried to convince my younger sister that I was a mermaid!  Our family spent numerous days at my aunt’s pool.  Do you remember when pools had a sudden drop to the deep end?  I recall one afternoon at my aunt’s house.  Family members were gathered around talking.  My mom was right there watching me.  I slipped down the steep slant into the deeper water. I panicked, trying to make it over to the shallow side.  My aunt noticed that I wasn’t playing in the water anymore.  When a child is drowning, it might look like the child is jumping in the water.  To everyone watching, it looked like I was jumping and splashing around.  My Aunt Ruthie saved me.

8. Always wear a helmet while riding a bike/scooter. 

9. Discuss body safety rules.  Remember that abusers often know their victims!

10. Be strong to stand up to peer pressure!  Peer pressure can even happen with close friends.  In my professional experience as a counselor, it is often the kids you would never expect.  So pay extra attention during play dates!  Have a discussion about peer pressure.  Ask your child to share a time when she or he was pressured by peers.  Teach your child to follow the feeling inside that is saying, “I don’t think this is right.”

http://www.jonihaypatras.com

Letter Writing to Loved Ones

Dear Dad,

I am having a good time in third grade, but I miss you very much.  I’ve been sad a lot.  Remember how you used to call me Smiling Sammy?  I wish I could smile and be happy again.  Mrs. Cooper says it’s okay to be sad sometimes but that you would want me to be happy sometimes too.  I think she’s right.  Maybe I should start doing all the fun things I used to do, like playing with my friends and telling jokes and dancing and laughing.

I will tell Mom that she doesn’t have to be sad all the time either.  Maybe Mom can even pick berries with me like we used to do.  That might cheer her up a little.

I know that we will be okay.  I love you, Dad.  When I miss you, I know I can look around and remember the fun things we did together, and it’s kind of like you’re with me all the time.

Love, Your Smiling Sammy

-A letter that Sammy Jane wrote to her dad in

Samatha Jane’s Missing Smile by Julie Kaplow and Donna Pincus

MAGINATION PRESS

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Families will be celebrating Father’s Day this weekend.  Children will be making special cards and giving presents.  As a little girl, I remember surprising my dad with poems written in homemade cards.   However, Father’s Day can be a sad day for children who are coping with the loss of a dad.  A few months ago we read a picture book to our bereavement support group called Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile.  Grieving children often feel like Sammy Jane in the story.  Sammy Jane lost her smile when her dad died.  She struggles with guilt wondering, “Is it right to feel happy when my dad can’t be here to enjoy life?”

Mrs. Cooper, a neighborhood friend, helps Sammy Jane to remember the happy memories.  Then, Mrs. Cooper encourages her to write a letter to her dad.

After we read the story to the children, ages 7 to 10, each child had an opportunity to write a letter to a loved one who died.  Letter writing is a technique that can aid in releasing feelings that a child may be keeping inside.  Unresolved feelings of guilt and regret may occur if a child was not able to say good-bye.  Younger children will sometimes blame themselves for the death.  The child can be encouraged to write about their feelings in a letter.  Or the child may write about the events going on in his or her life.  Reading the book first was a helpful way to lead into our letter writing activity.  The children in our group identified with Sammy and the book brought up several topics to discuss.

Jane Annunziata, Psy.D. includes a Note To Parents at the end of the picture book, under Practical Techniques.  She writes, “Sometimes children find relief by expressing their feelings in nonverbal ways, including crying to “wash away” the sad feelings, artwork, (even young children can get relief from scribbling), and writing or journaling (which the child may or may not choose to share with others).  Giving the child control over the ways that feelings can be expressed is important, since the child has just endured the highly out-of-control experience of losing a parent.”

The letters they created to their loved ones were thoughtful and beautiful.  A few of the children also drew pictures in the letters. The details and pictures they added were remarkable.  I had to hold back my tears as the children shared their letters.  It is also a therapeutic technique for adults.  Letter writing is a personal experience.  The child may wish to NOT share- that is perfectly okay.   Finally, your child can choose WHAT to do with the letter.  For example, they may wish to frame it, bring it to the grave sight to read, or read the letter/then release balloons.

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Father’s Day can be a day of remembrance.  A day to celebrate Dad’s life- the things he loved.  Eat his favorite ice cream, release his favorite color of balloons into the sky, take a trip to his favorite place.  Tell your child a “DAD story” that he or she has never heard before.

(I purchased Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile by Julie Kaplow and Donna Pincus from Magination Press.  Most of the books are written by mental health professionals.  Free shipping in the United States.  You can visit the website at http://www.apa.org/pubs/magination/index.aspx.)

http://www.jonihaypatras.com

I’ll Always Be With You

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     She took Chester’s hand and carefully wrapped his fingers around the kiss.  “Now, do be careful not to lose it,” she teased him.  “But, don’t worry.  When you open your hand and wash your food, I promise the kiss will stick.”

     Chester loved his Kissing Hand.  Now he knew his mother’s love would go with him wherever he went.

-The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

Mother’s Day can be a sad reminder to children that a loved one is not able to physically be with them.   They may be missing a mom because of a death, deployment, or incarceration.  Certain circumstances may not allow a child to see his or her mother.  Talk to your children about ways to remember their mom.  Allow the child to decide.  Giving the child control can help with the grieving process.  Children often feel as though their entire world has been turned upside down.  Something terrible has occurred that was beyond their control.

Create rituals and traditions for the family on Mother’s Day.  The National Alliance for Grieving Children wrote “Ten Ways to Help Grieving Children.”

 http://childrengrieve.org/sites/default/files/spiritweb/10%20Ways%20to%20Help%20grieving%20children.pdf

Item number nine discusses creating rituals and new family traditions.  “Rituals can give your family tangible ways to acknowledge your grief and honor the memory of those who have died. Lighting candles, recognizing special occasions, sharing stories about those who have died or volunteering with a local charity as a family are some ways you can incorporate new traditions or rituals.”

It is my hope that your family will be comforted by memories of your loved one.

How will your family remember a loved one on Mother’s Day?  Please share your ideas and comment below.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together….There is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart….I’ll always be with you. 

– Winnie the Pooh, A.A. Milne

igor-y-winnie-the-poohhttp://www.jonihaypatras.com

National No One Eats Alone Day In Schools: Friday, February 13, 2015

“It is raining still…Maybe it is not one of those showers that is here one minute and gone the next, as I had boldly assumed.  Maybe none of them are.  After all, life in itself is a chain of rainy days.  But there are times when not all of us have umbrellas to walk under.  Those are the times when we need people who are willing to lend their umbrellas to a wet stranger on a rainy day.  I think I’ll go for a walk with my umbrella.”

Sun-Young Park

Lili Smith, born with a cranial facial syndrome, was socially isolated by her peers during the middle school years.  Lili died at the age of 15 from complications of her condition.  After her death, a group of teens connected together to bring a change at their schools.  They did not want anyone to ever feel left out again.  The parents of Lili founded a project called Beyond Differences to carry a simple message to cities across the nation: For all kids to feel included and valued. 

Beyond Differences is encouraging schools to hold a National No one Eats Alone Day on February 13, 2015.  If you are interested in the program, complete a form on the website and they will send you information on how to get started.  A few parts of this program stood out to me.  First, the kids are in charge.  (A teacher/counselor has to supervise and coordinate.)  Second, schools can add their own “uniqueness” to the program.

http://www.nooneeatsalone.org

I found lunch and recess to be insightful as a school counselor.  Eating lunch with different classes in the cafeteria proved to be helpful.  It was easy to observe the students that were socially isolated.  One particular afternoon, I noticed a student sitting alone.  This girl was usually a social student, but that day appeared withdrawn and sad.  I was dealing with a few incidents that needed my immediate attention.  I did not have the opportunity to meet with her.  Already having a rapport with her mother, I made a phone call to the mom at the end of the day.  I thought it was important for the mom to ask her daughter if anything was going on at school.  The next day, I received a call thanking me.  The girl was experiencing online bullying and the content was extremely inappropriate.  The mom was not sure if her daughter would have told her.  Her mom was supportive and open to listening.  She gave her daughter the opportunity to discuss her feelings.

I discussed attending a life changing conference in a previous post.  A psychologist for the FBI gave a presentation on school violence.  The report included an analysis of 13 shooting incidents that occurred in United States’ middle and high schools during a 7 year period.  In the article, the authors present a hypothetical behavioral profile of the “Classroom Avenger.”

A few of the statistics stood out to me.  100% of the classroom avengers’ felt like a social outcast, 80% felt teased and victimized, 60% were suicidal, 67% used a gun from home, and 87% felt chronic anger.  The profile concluded that the typical avenger was not extremely violent in school or involved with the police.  The shooters reported that the teasing and the feeling of isolation went back to elementary school!

As a school counselor in an elementary school, this information was essential.  We have to reach these students at a young age and be proactive!  The FBI psychologist gave a recommendation:

* Reach out to the socially isolated students.  A few of the shooters mentioned that even teachers never said “hello” in the hallway.  He recommended developing a program where a staff member would be assigned to a particular isolated student.  The staff member would reach out to the student once a week.  It could be as simple as having a conversation.  The school counselor could be the coordinator for this program.

Other ideas:

*A Recess Buddy Bench: My daughter’s school has a bench that was made for a student to sit on when he/she does not have anyone to play with at recess.  The idea is that another student will then ask that child to play.  My daughter has observed the bench being used.  I love this idea!

* New Student Lunches: Entering a new school can be scary and isolating for a child.  During the middle of September, the school counselor will invite the new students for lunch according to grade level.  I included these lunches into my counseling program, then sent home a letter explaining the purpose of the lunches and my role as a school counselor.  After the lunches were conducted, I displayed their pictures in the main hallway for everyone to see.  It also helps to have a new student paired up with a child in the class for lunch/recess during the first week.

*Talk to your own children about social isolation.  Ask your child, “What will you do if someone is playing at recess alone?  What will you do if someone asks to play in your group, but your friend says no?” 

*Even if you don’t work in a school, reach out to someone who may be socially isolated.  Maybe it is an individual at your workplace.  Maybe a neighbor dealing with a loss.  Send a “thinking of you” card.  Just saying “hello” could make a difference to them.  Be that person who offers an umbrella on a rainy day.  

Make a difference!   

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Good night, sleep tight! Create a night-light!

“Goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

Goodnight little house and goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb and goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody/ Goodnight mush

And Goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”

Goodnight stars/ Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere”

Excerpt from Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown, 1947

I read this book to my children every night when they were babies and toddlers.  It was part of their bedtime ritual that soothed them before going to sleep.  The book was a present after the birth of my daughter.  Now that they are older, bedtime can be more difficult.  Sometimes I laugh at the craziness!   Regarding the difficulty, I’m not just talking about wanting to stay up later or needing “one more” drink of water.  I am talking about fears.  Fears of the dark and monsters that hide under the bed.  Especially for my five-year-old.  My son will ask me before going to sleep, “Mommy, are zombies real?”

I think that question originated from the zombies in Minecraft.  (His new favorite game.)  My son needs to have his Star Wars Light Saber night-light on before saying good-night.  He also has stars that project onto the ceiling.  (Something I wish they had when I was little.)   I remember having fears at his age, but I had a 10 pound dog that slept with me very single night.  Although she was the tiniest dog, I believed Sam would protect me.  She had a huge personality!  My younger sister, Melissa, also had fears as a child.  My mom and dad would put Melissa in my bed after she would go into their room during the middle of the night.  They were sneaky!

Fears are common at this age, especially with children who are grieving.  We addressed this topic in our bereavement support group by creating pillow cases in October.  We needed to have another activity on this topic.  Shari Glaskin, a wonderful facilitator in our group, created a fun activity to cope with this issue.  Our group constructed night-lights at our last meeting and it was a huge success!

We created the night-lights using mason jars with lids.  Try to find jars that have a smooth glass.  For the lights, we used battery operated tea lights.  You can find jars and tea lights at a craft store or Target.  We also used foam stickers, window markers, and sharpies.  In my opinion, the window markers were on the messy side.  However, they were washable and rinsed off easily on their hands.  The sharpies are permanent, so be careful about getting it on your clothes and hands.

After they decorated the jar, we used a small piece of Crayola modeling clay to create a holder for the tea light.  The holder will be placed on the bottom of the jar.  We made sure the tea holder fit, took the tea light out, and allowed the clay to dry.  Before they left to go home, they placed the tea lights back in their jars.  The clay does not take long to dry.

The children were so excited about their new night-lights and they were easy to make.  This would be a simple project to complete at home.  I plan on having my own kids make these on a day off from school.

Have fun making your night lights.  I promise they will be excited about going to sleep!  Please e-mail a picture of your finished night-light.  I would LOVE to post them on my website and Facebook page.  My e-mail is listed below the pictures.

IMG_5389IMG_5388IMG_5387IMG_5386http://www.jonihaypatras.com

E-mail pictures to patrasjoni@yahoo.com

Memory Placemats

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” If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together…..there is something you must always remember.  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart….I’ll always be with you.

-A.A.Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

The first Thanksgiving without my grandmother felt like the last piece of a puzzle was missing.  Sometimes I help my five-year-old son put together challenging puzzles.  We get to the end of the puzzle and realize that we are missing the last piece.  We look for it on the bookshelf with all of the other puzzles, but can’t seem to find it.  (My guess is that our mischievous dog, Belle, chewed it up!)

My grandma’s house looked the same during the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.  The house even smelled as though she lived there.  I could still smell the scent of her coffee that she made.  My grandfather put out the same tree and decorations, just as she did.  However, her absence at the dinner table was the missing piece of the puzzle.

Last year I created an activity to use with our grief support group before Thanksgiving.  For a few children, it was the first Thanksgiving without their loved one.  The children made memory placemats to use during Thanksgiving dinner or another special dinner.  One child traced his hand three times and wrote things about his mom that he missed.  A few children wrote/drew favorite hobbies and characteristics about the loved one.  They looked beautiful when they were completed!

This is an activity that a child could create for a birthday dinner or the anniversary of the death.  A child could make a placemat in honor of a parent that is deployed or hospitalized.  We used foam sheets, stickers, and paper leaves for our support group.  Use materials available around the house.  Your child could browse through magazines and cut out pictures to glue.  Scissors that make the curvy edges could add a special touch.   Before you eat dinner with your special memory placemat, everyone at the table could say a favorite memory of the loved one.

My memory of my grandma would go something like this:

“I remember how Grandma always made holiday dinners special.  She would have a favorite appetizer that my sister and I loved- black olives!  Melissa and I placed the olives on each finger, eating the entire bowl.  I will always remember a Thanksgiving when my sister and I dressed up like turkeys in our ballet leotards and tights.  We stuffed socks with toilet paper to make feathers.  (My idea, of course!)  We laughed and enjoyed every minute with our grandma.”

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