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The Silence Of Our Friends

Written by Joni Hay Patras

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I have a memory of elementary school, but it’s not a positive memory. One year, there was a girl in my class who talked and walked in a different way. I recall her having a hearing aid. The boys in my class teased her, imitating the way she walked. What I don’t remember is anyone standing up for her. I don’t remember if I stood up for her. All you need is one person to stick by your side. To speak up when everyone else in the room is silent. I do remember the sadness in her eyes after being teased. She must have transferred to another school the following year. Hopefully, she was treated with kindness and respect.

Fast forward to high school. It might have been our senior year. My friend, Stacy, invited a boy to eat lunch at our table every day. I don’t think he had anyone to sit with at lunch. He acted developmentally younger than his chronological age. He obviously had a crush on her. She received a ring at lunch! I also recall how she reacted to the gift- not with embarrassment, but with kindness.

I recently talked about these two memories with my own children.

My hope is that they will always……

Include others.

Stand up for kids who are being teased.

Look for the kids at recess who are playing alone.

Invite a student sitting alone at lunch to sit at their table.

Act kind to everyone- even if they don’t like you.

Believe in yourself to make the right choices.

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http://www.jonihaypatras.com

“Be the RAINBOW in someone else’s CLOUD

-Maya Angelou

Children’s Grief Awareness Day: November 17, 2016 by Joni Hay Patras

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 (Safe Harbor’s Blue Ribbon of Hope Project for Children’s Grief Awareness Day 2015)

When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

Fred Rogers

* 1 out of every 20 children aged 15 and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents.

* 1 in 5 children will experience the death of someone close to them by age 18.

National Children’s Grief Awareness Day is focused on bringing to mind the children all around us who experienced the death of a loved one. It is observed the Thursday before Thanksgiving every year.

For more information, visit http://www.childrensgriefawarenessday.com

If you work or interact with children, it’s essential to become educated on how children grieve. Some people think that after a certain amount of time, a child’s grief will be over.  This is not true.

FACT:  Children reprocess their loss as they age. 

Support systems need to available for EVERY child as they get older.  Children need to know they are not alone. Children experience loss in different ways than adults.  Support groups utilize different modalities (art, music, drama, exercise) for the child to work through their grief.  To find a support group in your area, click on the following links:

http://www.dougy.org/grief-support-programs/

http://www.childrengrieve.org/index.php?q=find-support

HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT CHILDREN AND TEENS WHO ARE GRIEVING?

1.  Wear BLUE clothing on November 17, 2016.

2.  Grief Education.  Read articles about how children and teens grieve.  I have an extensive resource list on my website containing articles for educators and caregivers.

www.jonihaypatras.com

3.  Consider contacting a bereavement center in your area to see how you can help. Most centers have “wish lists.” If you belong to an organization, consider having a fundraiser to collect items on the wish list. (Markers, molding clay,  paint brushes, paint, empty shoe boxes, stickers, puppets, etc…)

Another way to help is by volunteering as a support group facilitator at a center in your area.  I discovered the Safe Harbor Bereavement Center during my first year as a school counselor in Pennsylvania. I just knew that I was supposed to be involved with this program.  And I’ve been there ever since my training in 2004.

The children and teens usually participate for 2 years.  There is also a week-long camp every summer.  A few participants have now become “camp buddies” to the younger children. And some have even become volunteer support group facilitators.  These groups are offered to children and teens with no cost.  Safe Harbor currently supports over 130 children and teens, 70 parents, and 4 young adults.

Bereavement centers are always looking for new volunteers.  Support groups usually meet every other week.  Teaching or counseling experience is not required to become a volunteer facilitator. Bereavement centers offer a training, along with information on activities. Consider making a difference in the lives of children.

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http://www.jonihaypatras.com

“Be a RAINBOW in someone else’s CLOUD

-Maya Angelou

Talking To Kids About Kindess & Acceptance

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

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I found a poem written by a children’s book author, Patricia Gatto.  She wrote a picture book on bullying.   She likes to end her presentation on bullying with the following poem.  I plan on reading this poem to my own kids, in hopes of generating a discussion on being kind to others.  If you are a teacher, you could read this poem during a morning meeting.

I always love to hear children discuss ways to help others.  During my school counselor days, I created a club called Kids Who Care for fourth graders.  We met once a week during lunch for 6 weeks.  It was amazing to see children making a difference in the lives of other people.  My hope is that you will share the poem with at least 1 child.  It’s a great way to lead into a conversation about bullying.  Sometimes kids are often being bullied, but too scared to tell anyone.

Be Kind

by Patricia Gatto

Be kind to others,

take a good look around.

Although we are different,

similarities abound.

Try not to judge,

pick on, or tease.

Treat each other fairly,

with kindness and ease.

Wait until you know,

what’s deep down inside.

You might have a friend,

standing right by your side.

There’s one more poem that I would like to share.  My son brought this poem home in the school newsletter earlier this month.  I read it to my 10-year-old daughter today.  Then asked her, “What does it mean to see beyond labels, beyond accents, gender or skin color?”

A Prayer for the World

Let the rain come and wash away the ancient grudges,

the bitter hatreds held and nurtured over generations.

Let the rain wash away the memory of the hurt, the neglect.

Then let the sun come out and fill the sky with rainbows. 

Let the warmth of the sun heal us whenever we are broken.

Let it burn away the fog so that we can see each other clearly. 

So that we can see beyond labels, beyond accents, gender or skin color.

Let the warmth and brightness of the sun melt our selfishness.

So that we can share the joys and feel the sorrows of our neighbors.

And let the earth, nourished by rain; bring forth flowers to surround us with beauty.

And let the mountains teach our hearts to reach upward to the skies.

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What are you doing for others?

http://www.jonihaypatras.com

How To Talk To Children About Terrorism

 

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I was sitting with my daughter on the couch on Saturday.  She’s 10-years-old.  I knew she would hear about the Paris attacks at school from the other kids.  I wanted to be the one to tell her, so I carefully brought the subject up.  To my surprise, she already knew.  In retrospect, I should have realized that she already knew.  It was all over the television.  She didn’t have many questions for me, but wanted to be assured that we are safe.  I reminded her that she can always ask me anything.

Your own children might arrive home with questions after school this week.  Especially, if their friends are discussing the attacks in Paris.  “Don’t delay in telling your children,” says Harold Koplewicz, President of the Child Mind Institute.  Time published an article that gives an age by age guide to keep the discussion developmentally appropriate.

How to Talk to Your Kids About the Attacks in Paris:

http://time.com/4112751/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-the-attacks-in-paris/

A few other helpful articles:

The Dougy Center- Talking with Children About Tragic Events:

http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/talking-with-children-about-tragic-events/

The Center for Grieving Children- How to Support a Child After a Tragedy:

http://www.cgcmaine.org/news/12/81/How-to-Support-a-Child-During-Crisis/

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry- Talking to Children about Terrorism and War

https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Children-About-Terrorism-And-War-087.aspx

National Association of School Psychologists:

http://www.nasponline.org/about-school-psychology/media-room/press-releases/paris-statement-x32674

I have learned a few facts from working with children.  First, children need to feel safe.  Second, they want to know the truth.  As adults, it’s only natural that we want to shield children from pain and loss.  Trust me- adults may cause more harm in hiding the facts.  That applies to all types of loss.  Third, kids often know more than we think.  (Hint: they listen to conversations when you don’t realize.  They are very sneaky that way!)  When I was a school counselor, I often heard from parents that their children didn’t know about situations going on at home.  Most of the time, the children did know what was happening and……..I already knew.

http://www.jonihaypatras.com

Children’s Grief Awareness Day- November 19, 2015

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“Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me.”

-Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers)

Children’s Grief Awareness Day was created in 2008 by The Highmark Caring Place and hundreds of schools across the state.  It is observed every year on the third Thursday in November.  This time of year is a particularly appropriate time to support grieving children because the holiday season can be difficult for them.

THEIR MISSION: TO HELP GRIEVING CHILDREN FEEL LESS ALONE AND TO RECEIVE THE SUPPORT THEY NEED.

Why do we need adequate support and counseling for bereaved children?

♦ According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 1.5 million children are living in a single-family household because of the death of one parent.

♦ One out of every 20 children age fifteen and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents.

♦ 1 in 5 children will experience the death of someone close to them by age 18.

Ways to Participate in Children’s Grief Awareness Day:

1.  Wear blue on November 19, 2015.  I thought of an idea that could be used in schools.  Teachers/school staff or business organizations could donate a dollar to wear BLUE JEANS to raise awareness.  The money will then be donated to a local grief center that helps children/teens. 

2.  Educate yourself.  I listed a few websites with helpful information on dealing with children who are grieving.

I highly recommend the following website (National Alliance For Grieving Children) that contains articles and helpful links about providing understanding and support to grieving children. For example: Ten Things Grieving Children Want You To Know/ How To Help a Grieving Child/ How To Help a Grieving Teen/ Ten Ways To Help a Grieving Child/ Holidays/ Crisis, Trauma, and Grief.

How To Provide Understanding and Support To Grieving Children

Grief in the Classroom: Saying Nothing Says Alot

http://www.npr.org/bogs/ed/2015/01/13/376720559/grieving-in-the-classroom

Articles on: Understanding Grief and Loss/ Coping With Grief/ Helping Grieving Children and Teenagers/ Grieving the Loss of a Sibling/ Understanding Grief Within a Cultural Context/ Coping With Change After a Loss.

Grief and Loss

http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss

3.  Call a local grief center in your area to inquire about a “wish list.”  Some grief centers may be in need of art supplies (clay, markers, paint, paint brushes) or toys (puppets, dress up clothes, etc…).

4.  If you are part of a grief center, coordinate a project for Children’s Grief Awareness Day.  At Safe Harbor, we are making a Blue Ribbon Hope Chain to be displayed in the hallway.  Each child, teen, and parent, and volunteer is instructed to write the name of a loved one who died on one side of a blue ribbon paper.  On the other side, they can write a message to a loved one who died/ or write a message of support to other children and teens who are grieving.  We will then link the blue ribbons together into a chain.

Go to http://www.childrensgriefawarenessday.org for more information on how to participate.  The website lists several projects that you may use. The website also lists helpful articles on helping children deal with grief under “Resources.”

* Be aware that if you coordinate a project at a school, do not call attention to any particular child who has suffered a loss.  Some children/ teens may wish to keep their grief private.

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 http://www.jonihaypatras.com

Happy Halloween

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Belle, our 3-year-old labradoodle, is ready for Halloween.  I did buy a huge bowl of candy, but just realized half of the candy is missing!  I made the mistake of opening the bags.  One piece then led to another….and another…..and another.  Wonder who ate the candy…….?  I will be making a quick trip to the store again for candy.  And this time, I am going to hide it from my family.

Halloween can be fun for kids, but it also a time when you should have a safety talk- especially if this is your child’s first time trick-or-treating.  I have listed a few websites with safety tips for kids and pets.  We have a sweet, but very naughty dog who loves to get into things.  Remember to keep candy out of your pet’s reach.  Chocolate can be toxic to pets.  Recently, I left a plate with my son’s lunch on the counter.   Way out of Belle’s reach.  She must have superpowers because the plate was on the ground when I walked into the kitchen.  She ate everything- a healthy carrot remained!  She was hiding under our dining room table.  Looking VERY guilty!

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A few SAFETY SUGGESTIONS I liked from the websites:

  • Try adding reflective tape to costumes and candy bags.  This will help you to keep track of your children, especially when they get into a group with other kids.  Additionally, it will allow drivers to see your children when they cross the street.

  • For pets- remember outfits can get twisted on external objects on your pet, leading to injury.  I learned this lesson last year.  Belle was wearing a shirt that became caught on my fireplace screen.  She panicked, dragging the heavy, metal screen with her.  If she wears any clothing, it is only for a few minutes now.

  • Spooked pets can get lost.  Belle will be spending time in her crate during trick-or-treating.  She acts crazy every time someone knocks on the door.  I don’t want our night to end up with our family searching the area for our lost dog.

http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/publications/NC89.pdf

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/firstaid_safe/home/halloween.html

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/halloween-safety-tips

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10 Summer Safety Tips for Kids

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The trouble is…well, it’s like this barrel of apples. 

There’s an old saying that goes, “There’ll always be a couple of bad apples in every barrel.”

That’s the way it is with strangers.  Cubs have to be careful because of a few bad apples.

“Look!” said Sister.  “I found one!  It’s all bumpy and has a funny shape!”

“Well, it certainly is strange looking,” said Mama. 

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad.  You can’t always tell

from the outside which are the bad apples.” She cut it in half. 

“See?” she said. “It’s fine inside.”

“Now here’s one that looks fine on the outside…but inside, it’s all wormy.”

-The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers by Stan & Jan Berenstain

Hot days at the pool and beach. I love summer!  Days of not rushing to this activity and the next. Summer is also a time that you should be having  “safety talks” with your kids.  These talks should begin at an early age, changing your language according to their developmental level.

IMG_4404_2Belle, our three-year-old Labradoodle, is ready for the hot weather!

I promise, she honestly enjoys to dress up.  (Well, most of the time!)

10 Summer Safety Tips to Discuss with Kids

1. With younger ages, reinforce that they should stay near you in public places.  I reminded this to my son when we went into a store the other day.  I told him, “Remember there might be some wormy apples in there!”  (He’s listened to me read the Berenstain Bears book about strangers over and over again!)

2. Discuss WHO they can tell if a separation would occur. 

3. Teach your children your cell phone number.  If you have a younger child, write the number on a small sticker label.  Place the sticker on the child’s shirt.

4. Take a picture of your child before you go into an amusement park.  This will be helpful if your child does become separated from you. You will be in a panic state and might not be able to quickly recall your child’s hairstyle/ clothing colors.   Flashback to when my daughter was 4-years-old at Great Wolf Lodge during a story time in a crowded lobby.  I just blinked and she was gone.  Fifteen minutes felt like an eternity.  It’s shocking that the stress I experienced in that short amount of time didn’t cause my body to go into labor.  I’m still surprised that other people didn’t help a pregnant woman.  Just stared at me while I frantically looked for my lost child.  (Who suddenly appeared in her spot again when the show began!)

5. Role play situations.  Take turns playing both roles- the stranger and the child.  Here is one scenario.  The child is playing outside with a few friends.  A kind man drives by, stopping in front of the house.  He gets out of the car while waving a paper for the kids to see.  The kind man yells that his little dog is lost.  He asks if someone would drive around with him to find his lost puppy. (I have used this scenario with younger kids.  There is usually one child who says it’s okay to help the man!)

6. Go bananas!  Teach your child to “go crazy” if a person would ever try to take him/her.  “Going bananas” means to kick, scream, bite, fall to the ground.

7. Swim with a friend/adult.  As a child, I loved to swim.  I even tried to convince my younger sister that I was a mermaid!  Our family spent numerous days at my aunt’s pool.  Do you remember when pools had a sudden drop to the deep end?  I recall one afternoon at my aunt’s house.  Family members were gathered around talking.  My mom was right there watching me.  I slipped down the steep slant into the deeper water. I panicked, trying to make it over to the shallow side.  My aunt noticed that I wasn’t playing in the water anymore.  When a child is drowning, it might look like the child is jumping in the water.  To everyone watching, it looked like I was jumping and splashing around.  My Aunt Ruthie saved me.

8. Always wear a helmet while riding a bike/scooter. 

9. Discuss body safety rules.  Remember that abusers often know their victims!

10. Be strong to stand up to peer pressure!  Peer pressure can even happen with close friends.  In my professional experience as a counselor, it is often the kids you would never expect.  So pay extra attention during play dates!  Have a discussion about peer pressure.  Ask your child to share a time when she or he was pressured by peers.  Teach your child to follow the feeling inside that is saying, “I don’t think this is right.”

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